I'm 19 years young.This is just a collection of things that evoke some sort of emotion in me.
And then I listen to “It’s Cool, We Can Still Be Friends” and I want to kill myself. God Damn it.
Happiness is a Warm Gun - John Lennon [Beatles]
This song is perfect to listen to on a rainy melancholy day. I’m happy even in my sadness on this day.
The nice thing about being under 21 is that it’s an auto cock-block. :]
“We should go out sometime - are you 21?”
“No.”
“Ah, man. Are you close to it at least?”
“Nope.”
“That sucks. Do you have a fake ID?”
“No.”
*End of conversation*
When its this beautiful outside, I feel like anything is possible. I get so optimistic about everything. The best medicine is sunlight.
I’m cleaning my room and my car out today and tonight i’m going to a Tommy Lee concert for free with Robert, TJ, and AJ. Its AJ’s birthday. Life is good. My friends are good to me. Beth is doing well. I think she finally understands that if she wants her parents to treat her like an adult, she has to be financially independent.
I miss you Hales. Lets plan a day outside when its pretty and we’re both not tired. It seems like every day we try to hang, we’re worn out. Lets go swinging. I’m sure we have much to talk about and I hate that you have to know whats going on with me thru my blog.
2:30 a.m. thoughts Part 2
This year is definitely going to be very different from the rest:
1.) I have a new boyfriend whom I care very much about. Our future is bright.
2.) My old friends have sifted down to those who love me for who I am and I’ve made new friends who will do the same. I’m finally okay with this, because I’ve decided I’m not going to put any effort into people who just take and take and never give back. I’ve done it for too long and I’m tired of it.
3.) I’m moving to a new place. A place where I choose who I live with and what I do.
4.) I’m not going to spend any money on drugs or alcohol. Its not worth it.
So basically, new place, new people, new life. Jeez, this is scary.
2:30 a.m. thoughts
- Fucking hate my roommate. I have to figure out how I can get out of here without moving in with a boy.
- I miss you. I wish I knew what made you hate me. But I’m tired of trying to figure you out. You don’t give two shits about me now, so why should I waste my time with you?
- I don’t know the difference between being cautious and wise and being afraid of commitment anymore.
I watched the trees melt into the ground behind him,
Half listening as he spoke. They melted into
Endless puddles beckoning my attention,
Affirming my emotions.
Vacant swings and slides froze in time.
I wished to dive into the warped figures
And glide throughout their surfaces.
I don’t even know anymore.
I really don’t.
I don’t like you talking about my future when I know its not going to happen. It just makes me feel sad and like a failure. Thats why I hid from you. I want to crawl in a hole and die when I realize the slaying of my dreams are caused by my erratic behavior. There are consequences and I won’t be young and happy forever. One day I’ll wake up old and wrinkly and alone without children and wish I had invested time into settling down and growing up.
But I don’t want to grow up.
